Suspecting that your spouse is unfaithful is a gut-wrenching experience that can leave you reeling with pain, confusion, and disbelief. It’s natural to second-guess yourself or make excuses for their behavior, not wanting to face the possibility that the person you trusted most has betrayed you.
But if your instincts are persistently telling you something is off in your marriage, pay attention to the warning signs. The evidence of an affair is rarely as obvious as lipstick on a collar these days. But there are often subtle changes in your spouse’s behavior and your relationship quality that can indicate infidelity.
Common Red Flags of a Cheating Spouse
One of the most telling signs is a marked change in your spouse’s appearance and grooming habits. If they suddenly start hitting the gym with a vengeance, overhauling their wardrobe, or paying extra attention to their hair and hygiene, it could be because they’re trying to impress a new love interest. Of course, self-improvement alone doesn’t equal cheating. But when paired with an overall shift away from the marriage, it’s worth noting.
Secretive phone and computer use is another classic red flag. In this digital age, cheaters often use their devices to facilitate and hide their affairs. If your once open-book spouse now guards their phone like a state secret, is always on silent mode, and quickly flips the screen away when you enter the room, that’s concerning.
The same goes for being cagey about passwords or defensively accusing you of snooping or not trusting them if you inquire about their activity. A spouse with nothing to hide usually acts with transparency.
Often, cheating spouses will make unexpected changes to their schedules to carve out time for their extramarital dalliances. Are they suddenly working a lot of late nights or weekends? Attending more social events without you that don’t quite add up? Taking last-minute trips that have a vague purpose? While work and personal schedules can certainly fluctuate, a pattern of inconsistency and apprehension when you ask for details is a sign something else is going on.
Affairs can also wreak havoc on your sex life and emotional connection. A partner who was once affectionate may start withholding physical intimacy and avoid having sex. Or they may swing in the totally opposite direction and suddenly want to be intimate more often than usual or introduce new techniques into the bedroom, possibly to alleviate their guilt.
Either way, abrupt changes in your marital bond are a red flag. Similarly, if your spouse is suddenly distant, defensive, or picking petty fights, they could be trying to sabotage the relationship to justify their actions.
If you share financial responsibility, unexplained charges or large cash withdrawals from your accounts can also be telling. Cheaters often have expenses they’re trying to hide, whether for gifts, meals out, secret getaways, or even a separate apartment. On the flip side, they may also be more tight-fisted with regular spending, claiming funds are short. Follow the money trail if things aren’t adding up.
More than anything, don’t discount your own intuition. If you have a sinking feeling in your gut that things have shifted in your marriage, even without concrete “proof,” listen to that inner voice. Our subconscious minds often pick up on subtle cues that take our conscious brains longer to process.
So, if your internal alarm bells are going off, honor that. Your spouse’s angry dismissal or defensiveness when you try to raise the issue may be all the confirmation you need.
What to Do If You Suspect Your Spouse Is Cheating?
First and foremost, resist the urge to turn a blind eye and hope for the best. As painful as it is to find out the truth, the sooner you know what you’re dealing with, the sooner you can decide how to move forward.
Start by gathering evidence before confronting your spouse. Keep a log of all the inconsistencies in their stories, suspicious charges to your accounts, concerning text or social media exchanges, and changes in their behavior. The more concrete examples you can point to, the harder it will be for them to gaslight you.
This is also the time to shore up your support system. It may be tempting to isolate yourself out of shame or fear, but that’s the last thing you need. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can be a compassionate sounding board and voice of reason.
There is absolutely nothing shameful about being on the receiving end of adultery. If anyone should feel shame, it’s the person who shattered their marriage vows. You need and deserve comfort and wise counsel during this traumatic time.
An experienced divorce attorney can help you even before you’ve made any decisions about your marriage. They can advise you on your options, the type of evidence that holds up in court, and how to financially protect yourself.
Importantly, they can educate you on your rights. Every state has different laws about how adultery impacts divorce proceedings, but it can often play a role in property division, alimony, and even custody. The more informed you are up front, the better able you’ll be to make clear-headed decisions.
Don’t underestimate the importance of ensuring your physical and emotional safety during this time, as well. While it’s devastating to fathom, some spouses can become abusive when confronted about infidelity.
If you have any reason to fear for your well-being, work with your attorney and local domestic violence organizations to put a secure plan in place before the confrontation. You may need to file a restraining order or have a safe place to stay lined up.
When you’re ready to confront your spouse, pick your timing and location carefully. It may be wise to enlist the help of a couples counselor or mediator who can oversee the conversation in a neutral environment. Having a third party present can help keep things from escalating and ensure you both get space to speak.
Lay out the evidence you’ve gathered, and pay close attention to how your spouse responds. Even more telling than what they say is what they don’t. A partner who values your marriage will be desperate to work through this with you and rebuild trust. Anything less is an answer in itself.
Above all, give yourself grace and time to sort through your feelings. The early days of uncovering an affair are an emotional rollercoaster and not the time to make any snap decisions. Surround yourself with your support network and take things day-by-day, hour-by-hour.
Some couples are able to recover from infidelity with a lot of committed work. For others, too much damage has been done to repair. Only you can decide what’s right for you, and there’s no shame in whichever path you choose. You owe it to yourself to heal however you need.
How Infidelity Impacts Divorce?
Make no mistake, infidelity can have significant legal ramifications if you do decide to end your marriage. The extent of the impact depends on your specific state’s laws. In states that allow “at-fault” divorces, infidelity can be grounds for filing and can influence spousal support and property division. The cheating spouse may be entitled to a smaller share of the marital assets if it’s determined that they depleted resources on their affair. They also may be ordered to pay more in alimony as a form of punitive damages.
Child custody arrangements can also be impacted if a cheating spouse exposes the children to their extramarital partner or lets the affair affect their parenting. The court may factor in this lack of judgment and grant the betrayed spouse more custodial time. If you live in a “no-fault” divorce state, infidelity may have less of a direct impact, but it’s still important evidence of your spouse’s character and priorities.
Wherever you reside, having an attorney experienced in handling divorces involving infidelity is critical. They can ensure you meet all the criteria to prove adultery, file any necessary motions, and help you build the strongest case possible through strategic negotiation and litigation. A lawyer levels the playing field and ensures you aren’t taken advantage of by a spouse who’s already proven they can’t be trusted.
Contact a Divorce Attorney for a Confidential Consultation
If you suspect your spouse is cheating, don’t wait another moment to protect yourself and start investigating your options. Contact a divorce attorney today for a confidential consultation. They can discreetly begin gathering evidence, walk you through the potential implications for your case, and help you make informed decisions about your next best steps.
This is a traumatic time, but it’s also an opportunity to advocate for yourself with courage and poise. You have so much life still ahead of you. Don’t let your cheating spouse take one more moment of your peace. Reach out now and seize your right to the truth and the happy, healthy future you deserve.
